Check and shoot

Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." 

"Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says,

"Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."

She says, "We don't have a pool."

He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

Advance notice

A Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."

But of course!

Real programmers don't document, If it was hard to write, it must be hard to understand!

In thing

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Ogle-ogle

Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

The dog's mind

Why do dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving?

Life can suck...

All  the  desireable  things  in  life  are... either  illegal,  expensive,  fattening  or   married  to  someone else.

Thats how it is

To  err  is  human... to  forgive  is  not  Company   policy

Fix me up

Alcohol  doesnt  solve  any  problems .... but  if  you  think  again  neither  does  milk.

Time for everything

I am busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Fond Memories

Honey, I was at the zoo today.. and I thought of you all day.

Those sweet words

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. This old friend preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was so impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy shook his head and replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Give me an original

Cop catches guy speeding after a long chase.
Cop: "Give me an excuse I havent heard before, and I will let you go".
Guy: "My wife ran away last week with a cop. I thought you were chasing me to give her back"
Cop: "Off you go!"

Easy peasy

I wonder why people find Mathematics difficult. I, for one, find it as easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841

Punny

Mathematical puns are a definite sine of madness.

Time travel

I can travel through time and I do - at the wholly unremarkable rate of one second per second. :)

Done already

A physicist and a mathematician sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

Stats Stats Stats

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!" 

Base Two

There are 10 kinds of mathematitians in the world..... Those who understand Binary, and those who don't. 

Table of contents

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions. 

Morse... and his opposite

"I wish I had invented the telegraph," he said remorsefully

All about the ambience!

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is good, but there's just no atmosphere.

Helium Helium

What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of Helium?

HeHe.

Uncertainty

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: " Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know where I am".

Night rates

A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads "Great Day Rates,  Even Better NO₃^-'s"

Praise-worthy

Those beautiful eyes, that incredible body, such a brain, dazzling smile .... but that is enough about me, now tell me about you?

Decisive

Do you have trouble making decisions?
Well.... yes, and no!

Logical!

When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
It's because your feet aren't empty.

Werewolf - cured

I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !

Call toll free

Having problems with your math? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

Missed me?

This is an answering machine message
"I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing."

"Tear your hair" error messages

Press any key to continue, or any other key to quit
Bad command or file name. Now go stand in the corner.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 
Mouse missing. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Data center of the future

The data center of the future will run 24/7 with just a man and a dog. The man's job is to feed the dog. The dog's job is to ensure the man doesn't touch the computers.

Making money the Microsoft way

Microsoft today announced that they will be selling ad space on the error messages that appear in Windows.

Experience it

This is a Hindi joke!
Tawa pe lagaaya popcorn uchalta kyon hai?
Tu tawa pe baithke dekh pataa chalegaa!

Dream come true

A wanna-be writer dreams of writing stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger.
He is a happy man today. He writes error messages for Microsoft.

Give me some space

Nowyouknowhowimportantthespacebaris.

Identity crisis!

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! 

Point of view

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 

Small consolations

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. 

Taxes

They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they wanted cash.

Speed is relative

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Compatible?

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

Worry worry worry

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Second opinion

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Dangerous combinations!

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Get noticed!

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Speed

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

His mysterious ways!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.