Check and shoot

Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." 

"Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says,

"Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home."

She says, "We don't have a pool."

He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"

Advance notice

A Jewish telegram: "Start worrying. Details to follow."

But of course!

Real programmers don't document, If it was hard to write, it must be hard to understand!

In thing

You look like crap. Is that the style now?

Ogle-ogle

Are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

The dog's mind

Why do dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving?

Life can suck...

All  the  desireable  things  in  life  are... either  illegal,  expensive,  fattening  or   married  to  someone else.

Thats how it is

To  err  is  human... to  forgive  is  not  Company   policy

Fix me up

Alcohol  doesnt  solve  any  problems .... but  if  you  think  again  neither  does  milk.

Time for everything

I am busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

Fond Memories

Honey, I was at the zoo today.. and I thought of you all day.

Those sweet words

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. This old friend preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was so impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy shook his head and replied, "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Then we met

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Give me an original

Cop catches guy speeding after a long chase.
Cop: "Give me an excuse I havent heard before, and I will let you go".
Guy: "My wife ran away last week with a cop. I thought you were chasing me to give her back"
Cop: "Off you go!"

Easy peasy

I wonder why people find Mathematics difficult. I, for one, find it as easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841

Punny

Mathematical puns are a definite sine of madness.

Time travel

I can travel through time and I do - at the wholly unremarkable rate of one second per second. :)

Done already

A physicist and a mathematician sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

Stats Stats Stats

Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots. The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!" 

Base Two

There are 10 kinds of mathematitians in the world..... Those who understand Binary, and those who don't.